On Becoming a Mother-In-Law

On March 10, 2012 I became a mother-in-law. For several months prior to the wedding I started worrying about this change in role. I could frequently be heard saying things like "I don't know how to do this", "I just want to be a good one", and "Please don't let me be one of THOSE mother-in-laws."
Soon after the wedding I started reading articles on the subject. I found a list called Ten Commandments for the Mother-in-Law by Margie Pensak. It included things like respecting their privacy, avoiding unsolicited advice, and being flexible. Melanie Greenberg, Terri Apter, and Tom Kersting posted an article entitled Being A Mother-in-Law Is No Joke! This article explains the classic mother-in-law/daughter-in-law conflict in terms of two alpha females fighting for supremacy and challenges between values and lifestyles. While there may be some validity to these underlying drives, I'm not sure they really address my own fears very accurately.
Other titles I found included Mothers-in-law and Daughters-in-law: Friendship at an Impasse by Terri Apter and How to be a Great Mother in Law by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. I'll be honest. After reading each article, no matter how positive the spin, the more anxious I became. But why? I would like to blame it on my own mother-in-law relationship, but that would be both unfair and inaccurate. Am I afraid that I am losing my son? No - not really.
I admit that I don't really like it when my advice is usurped by the wishes of his wife. On the other hand, I'm thrilled that they are making decisions together and that he values her opinion. I want him to be unreservedly bonded to his wife. I do admit that in my weaker moments I worry that he will forget all about me.
There are so many social accounts of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law strife that I think we have come to expect it and consider it normal. Comedians joke about it, therapy clients complain about it, and I worry about it. I think I may have stumbled upon a new insight. This is just another relationship and is like every other relationship. It will take time to develop and open communication is key.
So here are my guidelines for the transition from mother to mother-in-law.
1. Don't expect your children and their spouses to know what you need and want. They aren't mind readers. You have to ask for it.
2. Create your own happiness. Don't expect your children and their spouses to make you happy. That is your own job.
3. Avoid stereotypes. Stereotypes offer some hints about what can go wrong, but they don't really lead us to what we want.
4. Be the best you that you know how to be. That's all we can ask of ourselves.
5. Start small and let the relationship grow. Rome wasn't built in a day you know.
These insights and guidelines haven't completely eliminated my anxiety. I love my son with my entire being. I am hopeful that someday my daughter-in-law and I can develop a relationship that is as close and loving. I'm excited about the possibilities. I'm terrified that I won't live up to my own expectations for myself.
Most of the literature I found admonishes taking the daughter-in-law's perspective. There is a book that I read with my children when they were little. For those of you who are becoming daughters-in-law, maybe it will help you to understand my point of view. The book is Love You Forever by Robert Munsch and Sheila McGraw.
"I'll love you forever,
I'll Like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."
Dr. Leanna Manuel is the director and supervising psychologist for CCA Companies, LLC. Dr. Manuel is a graduate of Wright State University School of Professional Psychology and has experience in medical and mental health care settings. She was a featured psychologist on MTV: True Life. Check out the blog at

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