Motherhood, Is It For Me?

I'm sitting here at my computer thinking what it is I want to write about. What "mom topic" do I want to touch on? Well I decided I wanted to touch on the most realistic one there is; the fact that sometimes I wish there wasn't anyone on this planet who calls me mommy. I love my children to death but sometimes I find myself staring into space thinking what my life would be like if I had made different choices. What if I hadn't blindly chosen the path of motherhood? My life happened quickly. At the age of sixteen I was pregnant, and at seventeen, I gave birth.
The path I was on before my pregnancy quickly changed, actually for the better. Before becoming pregnant I was a reckless teen. I acted without thinking and had no plans of going to college. I was a rebel in almost every sense of the word. But I was a rebel without a plan. All I wanted to do was get out of my mother's house. So I did what any smart teen would do. I purposefully got pregnant in the hopes that my mother would kick me out. She didn't. Instead I moved out a week after high school graduation, with my two month old, and enrolled in college. I handled everything exceptionally. My mother never had to give me a cent. I worked through my entire pregnancy and bought everything I needed myself.
Five children later my tales of motherhood are not very different from my beginning stages. Financially, I have been lucky, if not blessed. My issues with motherhood are far more extreme. I didn't know myself before I became a mother. At thirty I am just now starting to realize who I am. And with that realization I have come to understand that some things are not how they should be. This is the danger of becoming a mother before you're ready. Young mothers shouldn't fear so much the financial aspect of parenting as much as they should fear the mental aspects.
I'm a person who likes peace and quiet. I am very calm and like to relax. Sometimes when you have children that's not an option. I'm selfish and spontaneous. I'm a free spirit who longs to fly. I love my children to pieces and now that they're here I certainly don't want them to go anywhere. But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I wonder, if given the chance, would I do it again. And the answer is, I don't know. Maybe I'm better suited for a dog or a goldfish. Maybe mommy isn't who I should be.
But then there are the moments when I look into one of their little eyes and I smile with nothing but the deepest love. These are the moments when I can't envision my life any other way. I can't turn back the hands of time. I can't take back any of the choices I've made. I can only look at the positives. Yes, sometimes I just want the room to go silent. At times I want to pull my hair out in frustration. And sometimes I'm so amazed by my children that I want to grab them and protect them from all that is wrong with the world.
I am not a perfect person. And I won't lie and say I'm always happy with being a mom. But since you can't change the past by saying "What if," I will change my future by saying, "What next?" I will continue to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly that being a mother entails. I will grin and bear it and I will continue to be thankful for all my little gifts. I have my ways of dealing with my down moments and all I can do is be thankful that the good outweighs the bad.
Sometimes the path we envision for ourselves isn't the path that we should follow. Maybe, just maybe, I'm exactly where I should be.

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